Toxic and abusive relationships: Recognise the signs
- Do you believe a man has to be aggressive, strong, and powerful to be a "real man"?
- Do you think a girl's role is to be kind, sensitive and caring?
- Do you believe that jealousy is a sign of love?
- Do you feel your boyfriend or girlfriend has to share everything they do and think with you?
Did you answer yes to any of these questions? Then you share beliefs that can make it challenging to have healthy and happy relationships.
We are here to help you understand what to look for in your behaviour and how to build healthy relationships free from abuse. Let's get started!
How do I know if my relationship is healthy or abusive?
You should always rely on your intuition and feelings: How do you feel when you are around them?
"When I am with Ben, I often feel anxious, angry, or humiliated… They say I am stupid for feeling this way… I don't know what to do."
"Mm, that's weird... When I'm with Marie, I feel super cool and happy. We laugh, and we talk about what we like. Of course, sometimes I also feel sad, or we get into a fight, but I know she will be there to support me if she can. Are you sure that you are feeling ok with Ben?"
In a healthy relationship, you
- Respect each other
- Support each other
- Feel good about spending time together and apart
- Communicate openly and honestly
Never hesitate to seek help if you feel confused about your emotions or a situation you are experiencing. In a healthy relationship, you should never feel controlled or forced into things you don't want to do.
What does abuse in a relationship look like?
Violence or abuse results from dominant, controlling behaviour and power imbalances that make it difficult to challenge the abuse. When you insult, attack, spy on, threaten or manipulate somebody, you are being violent - even if you do it because you feel insecure or are afraid to lose them.
"Don't you dare go out with your friends tonight!"
"Why? They are my friends, and I care about them. I didn't go out last time you wanted me to stay."
"You always leave me alone. You're my girlfriend. You should care about how I feel, but you leave me and have fun with them. I might start cutting myself again if you leave."
"Ok, I'm sorry. Please stop crying. I'll tell them I can't come."
Abusive behaviours might be
- Calling or texting all the time and getting mad when you don't respond
- Accusing you of cheating because you have friends of other genders
- Threatening to hurt themself if you break up
- Checking your location on their phone
- Deciding what clothes you can/can't wear, which friends you may see or how you spend your money
- ...
Healthy relationships need boundaries
It can be difficult to hear and accept a "no" when you're in love. It can feel like you are being abandoned, punished, or excluded. Remember that another person's "no" is always about them and what they need, not about you.
"Hi Marie, do you wanna hang out later? Maybe get a drink?"
"Hi, Frankie! Sorry, but I'm already meeting Tina and Francis. Next time!"
"I don't get it. Why would you rather hang out with those two when we haven't hung out this week?"
"I love hanging out with you, but Tina, Francis and I made these plans a really long time ago, and I already cancelled on Tina twice last week. How about we hang out Tuesday instead?"
"Yeah, ok... Tuesday works for me!"
Frankie was feeling insecure because she heard a "no" from Marie. She communicated openly and honestly, showing Marie that she was hurt. As a result, she now knows that Marie's "no" isn't related to how much she likes Frankie. It's about her need to be a good friend for Tina and Francis.
Open and honest communication is the only way that you can ensure others know your needs, feelings and boundaries. In a healthy and respectful relationship, you can share these things and don't expect others to read your thoughts.
Healthy relationships are consenting
Consenting means that you agree to do something, really want to do it and have all the necessary information to make the decision. For example, you can agree to a friend cutting your hair:
- It is not consent if she lied to you and said she knows how to cut hair, but you end up looking bad, and now you have to shave your hair off.
- It is consent if she was honest and told you she has no idea how to do it, but you really want to try anyway, and now you have to shave your hair off.
Consent is essential in all areas of your life. For sex, it is absolutely fundamental.
If you've watched porn, you know that it shows men being super dominant and women enjoying things you never imagined. However, you're not a porn actor, and that is not how real sex works. Healthy intimate connections leave no space for these sorts of power imbalances and you are still discovering what you do or do not enjoy. Don't let anybody else decide what happens to your body!
It is seriously abusive behaviour to pressure somebody into things they don't feel ready to try. Remember: They really need to want to try it for it to be consent!
It can be terrifying to realise you're in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, especially if you're the one with harmful behaviours.
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, remember: It is not your fault. You can find support from friends, your parents or local NGOs.
If you are abusive or controlling, you can learn healthy ways to deal with your destructive emotions. Recognising your behaviour is harmful is a first step to changing. You can find support from friends, your parents or local NGOs.
